"What's your ethnic/racial background?"
Apparently I'm a person whose national origin(s) cannot be divined at first glance (which, by the way, is actually most, if not all of us). Using several well-honed techniques, I almost always manage to avoid answering this question.
Let me tell you why I dread it.
First of all, it's just a more polite version of "What ARE you?" which has mercifully fallen out of favor. The problem is, people seem to have misunderstood that it wasn't the wording that made this question rude (although the wording does make it even more insulting) but the question itself.
Second, if you’re asking, it means that for some reason it matters or that you care. And it could be for the wrong reasons. I have to consider the remote possibility that you are not asking in good faith. I don't know; I just met you. Even after giving someone the benefit of the doubt, everyone has unconscious biases.
So it always makes me wonder, why DO you care? What difference does it make? Do you need to know to be my friend? To sit next to me at this dinner? If the answer is no, then why are you asking?
Because it always feels like what people are really saying to me is, "Please tell me what ethnicity and race you are so I can apply all my pre-conceived notions and relevant stereotypes to you."
Third, I’d be more willing to believe that someone's interest was solely in ancestry/genealogy if I wasn’t ALWAYS the ONLY person asked this at the table. Why is my narrative automatically more interesting or in need of explanation than the German-Irish guy to my left, or the Croatian-French woman on my right? In over two decades I've never once seen anyone ask my white husband this question.
Look, I get that 23 And Me is a thing, and hey - I have some cousins I’d like to see get arrested too. I'll cop to the fact that I have no interest whatsoever in ancestry or genealogy. To me it's another hobby I don't care for, like bird watching or basketball.
Fourth, it's not my job to educate you about my background and culture.
On one side I have no acculturation or socialization at all, so I’m not qualified to school anyone. It's just a meaningless piece of biological information, like my blood type.
The other side requires a knowledge of 19th century history (is it my fault you don’t remember your 11th grade lessons?), which I never feel up to teaching.
Either way, it’s not the window into my soul that people seem to think it will be.
Also, people's stories may be complicated. They may involve estrangement, violence, adoption, or other personal family stories or secrets that are just none of your business.
I should also point out that I'm not talking about organic conversations where everyone is engaged and onboard. If you've had great talks with friends about their culture, that's terrific! Honestly - I'm not trying to take those away from you. But your positive experience does not in any way invalidate my negative ones.
I'm talking about those asks where one POC (Person/People of Color) is solely posed said question. And I'm not alone - a lot of non-white people I've spoken to are not fans of this question. Of course, there are POC who have an interest in ancestry - that's how Alex Haley wrote Roots - and may love to discuss it with you. But if you're singling out POC for this question, it may be time to ask yourself why you care, how it matters, and what difference the answer makes to you.
Being aware that people may find the question rude, or not want to answer: why ask it at all and risk offending people?
And if you can't accept the fact that it's a loaded question that may make someone uncomfortable, even a friend, the problem is you, not them.
And my new answer to the question? I am colonialism personified.
I AM America.
